We still have more mountains to tackle!
“Have I peaked?”
That’s the question that has been running through my mind lately.
Embarrassing but true.
It’s this ridiculous idea that, at some point, I experienced “the best that it was going to be.” This is a very glass half full disposition to say the least. It’s really glass quarter full with a dead fly in it, to be honest.
As I have written about in past blogs, much of this is based on a false reality of where one should be at my stage in life. I let the chatter inside my head take over some times, though meditation has helped somewhat.
The question of “peaking” is really not the right question because, after all, what does that really mean? Rather, the question should be “have I stopped striving?” I hope I have not “peaked” because that’s a pretty boring road ahead. The answer to that question is entirely up to me.
Maybe this is one reason I really love writing, comedy and music. There is no question that there is so much more for me to do in these realms. I know in my gut that I have not “peaked” whatever that means. I guess I know it when I get there.
I can’t speak for anyone else but I think that I definitely put so much into being the role of husband and father that I just let the restlessness that existed inside me, about what really makes me tick as an individual, minimize to a dull roar. This feeling of being “past my prime” in some respect is completely ridiculous because it’s as if everything that was defined before is to stay as it was. Maybe it’s being conditioned with this onslaught of youthful messages so one thinks that if you haven’t identified your lot in life by age 25 and made it by 35, good luck. Maybe it’s an internal voice about what it means to be socially acceptable as a family man. Maybe it’s a combination of both. I really don’t know.
All I do know is that I see a lot of people that are seemingly just passing through life in a zombie-like state going through the motions. Perhaps it’s a misinterpretation but I have spoken with enough people where I don’t think that is the case. The only thing stopping any of us from doing something about it is fear. I can’t seem to think of any other reason. Sometimes that fear is tangible, real and requires a level of just “sucking it up” but often it is not even close.
I have found myself hitting “send” on emails or “post” on these blog posts prior to proofreading on purpose. I know myself. I will read something that I think will be judged as stupid and think that people will make fun of it (assuming it even gets read). I find myself saying “yes” to things before being able to talk myself out of them, often wondering on the way there “what was I thinking?” This is all done purposefully to push my comfort zone and work past fears that are mainly in my head.
I think a lot of people may be surprised to think that this is me. I like to have fun with friends, joke around and hopefully make people feel good about themselves. I can be the biggest extrovert with people I truly care about and enjoy being with and the biggest introvert with everyone else. The truth is that I am incredibly uncomfortable at most social interactions. I would never do anything, however, professionally or personally, if I didn’t work at it every day.
So, damn it – no, I haven’t peaked. Not even close. What about you?
Until next time,
Marc
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