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  • marckaye91

Continuous Learning

I’ve written about a meditation that I sometimes listen to that consists of seven affirmations (see recent blog post “My Covid Mantra”). That post was about the link between patience and confidence.

Recently, I am learning more about the one that tells me to be “willing to live outside my comfort zone and do not let myself be guided by fear.”

As I write this, I am in New York City, which in itself is a move toward addressing fear – particularly as you cross 7th avenue even when the opposing light for oncoming traffic is green – a salient reminder of how different things are in a COVID world. Posters and signs remind me that we are still amidst an invisible predator.

Yet, the fear I felt had nothing to do with a pandemic. It had everything to do with an internal virus I have yet to fully extinguish, one where fear of saying what I really feel navigates and infects the interstices of the connections I am working so hard to build. One that threatens the core anchor I have been working to build toward more confidence, resilience and self worth.

As the drama behind the “real” drama unfolded, I found myself well outside my comfort zone and even directed by an internal fear that I was hesitant to acknowledge. I am a faithful team member – whether part of a family, work group or cast – and yet, unavailable to the “middle way” that can help catch resentment before it turns into full blown anger. Luckily, I am learning to face fear even though, on the surface, it may have looked like something else.

I am learning to walk away. I am learning to speak up in a healthy yet confrontational way and doing so without fear on whether it will burn bridges with those that may allow for my future progress. This means walking, not running, toward the dissolution of the ego. I am trying to live outside this comfort zone and do so in a courageous way. In doing so, I have tried to take advice from loved ones that remind me that this continuous learning is so good for me. To be honest, though, I feel like a 5th year senior and sometimes I just feel like I’m good with the continuous learning – let’s graduate already.

But that’s not the curriculum I signed up for. I’m not sure when I signed up for it or if someone else did it for me but I’m getting tested daily and sometimes barely passing, but I am passing. When I have doubts, there’s always a reminder.

Today, on my morning walk to sit among the few that were at Bryant Park, I saw a sign – literally. It simply read: “Don’t be afraid of anyone.” I’m working on it. I swear.

Until next time,Marc

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